boywithdreams

stuck

2007-09-11T05:17:48Z

i seem to be stuck in the same place. i just read all of my posts from the past year, and i seem to be in the same place Mentally, and Physically. I dont know why i havnt changed much but i do know that it really hasnt been all that long just a year some times alot happens sometimes it doesnt. i just really want to be ok.

wah wah wah

2007-04-03T02:50:21Z

dun dun dun i am cool just getting along. i need to stop thinking and just do thats all i have to say this time.

hahhahehehe

2007-03-23T05:19:13Z

well idk i wish life were easier but you know thats the way it is. i really need to get my butt into gear but it is just sooo hard for me cause i am so afraid of what people will think about me. sometimes i will stay home when people want to do things with me cause i feel like i have eaten too much or i feel i have been letting myself go which sometimes i do it just sucks it really sucks cause i shouldnt feel this way but i do

wow

2007-03-13T02:48:49Z

god i hate how i don't know what i am going to do. cause when it happens i just get all confused and my head starts to hurt especially when people try to tell me what i should do. I KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO, but it is hard cause i dont exactly know how i am going to do it. What i really want is to pass all of it by and just be average let my life go to it's fullest extent and just be done cause i really hate just trying to pretend to be normal. sometimes i wish i could fast forward and skip all of it until i reach a point to were i can believe my life has a meaning

okok

2007-03-07T07:14:12Z

i'm doing ok so far i ran for a while today it felt good. i still need to work on the whole eating thing it is pretty hard, it's just all i think about food food food when am i gonna get it, what can i eat, how am i gonna eat it, how much can i eat, and so forth and so on. but other than that i am feeling pretty good i still wish i had someone in my life but i now know that it will never be more than what it is.
the smoking thing is hard too, i really need to quit but other than food it is also what i think about it is always substance substance substance for me everything else is done to pass the time until i can get to these substances. Social, economic,and educational things are always last. i am still fucked up in the head but only cause i made it that way, the only thing is, is that now i have to find a way to undo it all.

well

2007-03-05T02:10:37Z

i am really going for a change around. i am going to start running again and i am going to eat healthy, well not healthy but in a healthy way. and drugs are bad this is something i need to come to grips with but it is really hard they are everywhere. i gotta try and get sexy hahaha jk wow i am talking to myself but whatever yeah it is the time of a new era and i will change i will survive

clinical depression

2007-02-28T01:49:49Z

i think i have clinical depression. you see i have health and we are going over mental disorders, and iit says that if you have clinical depression you never feel happy or nothing makes you happy(you have no zest for life). i think i have this you see if you asked me if anything makes me happy i would come up with a blank i cant think of one thing that makes me happy. and it sucks i dont feel the need to do anything and if anything happens i just shrug it off my shoulders. i really need to take care of this i dont like it. i dont think i am bipolar anymore because i dont go to the extremes on both sides i am just kind of in the middle or lower at all times and it really bugs me and it affects me alot i dont feel normal at all:(

good

2007-02-25T06:47:57Z

i am pretty happy with life right now. i am getting my licence this thursday(yesss) that i am pretty exited about(especially since i am finnally getting the hang of my truck). No girls at the moment but i am okay with that(sort of). i really need a hobby but i can't do much cause i don't have a job, but that will change once i start driving. i kind of want to start boxing i think that would be a fun thing, or maybe i could just buy more equipment to work out with, or i could even start up a band again since i would have transportation. yeah life is alright i guess :)

da dada

2007-02-22T05:39:45Z

yep so i am doing it the same i am surprised she actually didn't expect it.
i am pretty confident right now. although i need to straighten out my priorities.
school is the biggest but i still blow it off that is the biggest thing i need to work on . you see(once again i diagnose myself) i always look into the future and anticipate it too much i have trouble living in the here and now which i need to do because if i dont i will just be setting myself up for failure

limited

2007-02-20T19:03:58Z

we all have limited time to do unlimited things
our choices are wide and decisions are hard
and then we make it harder
it is true that we all have a place
but that place is so unknown
that when you finally get there
you will ask yourself
How the hell did this happen?
what did i do to get myself here?

i am through

2007-02-20T06:45:19Z

i have broken the glass
my sand is pouring onto the floor
i have stopped time
only to have it fly by me
i want everything
but i want nothing
i want it handed to me
but i also want to earn it for myself
it is so hard
life is so hard
but life is what you make it(so i'm told)
questions
what if you cant control how you make things?
what if your mind does everything automatically?
is it really all that simple to make your life?
i think life is just lived
not made
we are made
then we live, die, cry, hurt, laugh, scream, and...........
nothing it just happens
you just happened
i just happen to be insignificant

yep

2007-02-18T05:53:29Z

i was right she doesnt care

tempted

2007-02-17T06:14:19Z

death is such a tempting subject you see when we are alive life makes us feel like no one cares and how ohh soo sweet it would be to die a be alive just to feel what is is like to have someone actually show that they do care

V Day B Day

2007-02-15T04:37:39Z

well today was my birthday and valentines day i am 17 woo hoo. for my girlfriend i had this whole thing planned out and it got totally turned around. it was ok but i never seem to know what to do with her you know i just dont know how to have fun without money or feeling like i am an idiot

soooo

2007-02-12T01:35:06Z

i dont know what to think i hope it was all good i didnt want it to stop but i think she has radar or something not good for me good for her mom not me i justhope itdoesnt change things because it tends to

blank

2007-02-10T11:25:39Z

new beginnings are hard earned. i am learning this now.peopletakelifeforgranted and it is just sickening.... but i am one of them in an odd sort of way. not the way everyone would expect(drugs,more drugs,manipulation, and alchhol)i do it a whole different way, and that is by not doing, just observing i may have realized this but it seems i cant change it. all i can do is put on a false mask and hide the truth of what i want to be because the truth is i want to be everyone else and by doing that i put on that mask. it is one big vicious circle that has me trapped because i act but i do not do

immitation

2007-02-07T03:04:52Z

i have just come to the realization that all anyone in the entire world is immitation. we call it learning but every form of anything that we come in contact with we suck up like a sponge and i realize this in myself more than anything because i dont know how i can be original if i can pinpiont where all of my attributes come from from why i like to write or read or why i feel like a depressed little bitch

counting

2007-02-03T20:04:13Z

in a few days february 14(valentines day) i turn 17 i never thought it would come this quick but its been a long time coming. i kind of feel like i am not in control like i am an observer in someone elses body, then when i take control i dont know what to do, the controls are all in japanese(haha)and i cant read any language other that english. I really cant wait to get out of high school but i have alot to accomplish to do so i still need 1.5 math credits, andn i have one year to accomplish that and overall i have 12.00 credits and i need 26.00 to grduate along with two CURLES and a Senior Seminar Project. i have a year and a half to do all this then i can go to college for fire science and get my firfighter 2 and i can get a job either in clackamas or in portland at a fire station

allright ......i guess

2007-02-01T05:05:04Z

everything is ok..... i guess i feel content but still insecure about how i am in everything i feel disgusting but then i feel good i feel like i could do better but then i feel that i am trying my best and it hurt neverknowing and caring then telling everyone that i do care just so i have to pretend

trying

2007-01-28T01:41:45Z

i am trying to understand everything i think that is what i do wrong because some things are not meant to be understood but i still puzzle myself and try to put the pieces together and always end up with a missing piece or just ask the wrong questions that make the puzzle just fall apart i know that i can change but i just dont understand what not being myself will accomplish

i told myself

2007-01-27T07:21:49Z

i told myself that it would happen and i know that i am stupid for trying to deny it i fucking hate this stupid crap where i am fine one minute and not the next i dont know if i can even keep my girlfriend although i love her dearly every time i talk to her on the phone i just feel like shit because i know that she probably does not feel the same and yes i know that there are other fish in the sea but she is the one that i want

well

2007-01-26T06:19:33Z

I had explorers tonight for the Clackamas County Fire District and everytime i go it just makess me realize how much i really want that career for myself soo my life has had a complete turn around in the last few weeks but i am starting to think that i am bipolar or something because i know that something is going to happen that will just make me want to kill myself like it always does sooo i got my girlfriend back, am keeping up in school, and also am making some new friends, plus i might be getting a new job ontop of that so my plate is full but i am just gobbling it up but as we all know eventually we all get full

Girls

2007-01-19T20:08:48Z

GIRL:I want a boy to treat me right, take me out, be my best friend, hold my hand, talk to on the phone for hours only to have it seem like minutes, to love me for who i am

BOY: hey do you want to go out friday night?, You know you can trust me i am your friend, give me your hand, Wow has it really been two hours, talk to you tommorrow good night., you know i love you EAT THE SNICKERS

GIRL: Sorry i cant be with you your too perfect

BOY: :( ?????????????? :( :( :( :(?????????

now

2007-01-19T20:02:17Z

so i guess i will "live" and i know i can it is just a matter of want, i know i am treated unfair and i know the "right one" is a long way off but sometimes i get tricked into believing.
i know my heart is in the right place it is only my mind that i have trouble with.

I realize

2007-01-18T18:18:42Z

I have realized my problems and now more than one person knows i have them(not always a good thing)i want more than anything to feel comfortable about myself, i cannot do this because i look at myself in the mirror and see what everyone else isnt what everyone else strives not to be, what i strive not to be but what i must be for that is who i am and i dont know why i cant live with that, it hurts not to be able to live like this, wanting what i cant have, working so hard at what i want and not being able to acheive it even though every day i wake up new every night i go to bed and wonder what its like to be like you....................................................................................................HAPPY