i seem to be stuck in the same place. i just read all of my posts from the past year, and i seem to be in the same place Mentally, and Physically. I dont know why i havnt changed much but i do know that it really hasnt been all that long just a year some times alot happens sometimes it doesnt. i just really want to be ok.

dun dun dun i am cool just getting along. i need to stop thinking and just do thats all i have to say this time.

well idk i wish life were easier but you know thats the way it is. i really need to get my butt into gear but it is just sooo hard for me cause i am so afraid of what people will think about me. sometimes i will stay home when people want to do things with me cause i feel like i have eaten too much or i feel i have been letting myself go which sometimes i do it just sucks it really sucks cause i shouldnt feel this way but i do

god i hate how i don't know what i am going to do. cause when it happens i just get all confused and my head starts to hurt especially when people try to tell me what i should do. I KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO, but it is hard cause i dont exactly know how i am going to do it. What i really want is to pass all of it by and just be average let my life go to it's fullest extent and just be done cause i really hate just trying to pretend to be normal. sometimes i wish i could fast forward and skip all of it until i reach a point to were i can believe my life has a meaning

i'm doing ok so far i ran for a while today it felt good. i still need to work on the whole eating thing it is pretty hard, it's just all i think about food food food when am i gonna get it, what can i eat, how am i gonna eat it, how much can i eat, and so forth and so on. but other than that i am feeling pretty good i still wish i had someone in my life but i now know that it will never be more than what it is.
the smoking thing is hard too, i really need to quit but other than food it is also what i think about it is always substance substance substance for me everything else is done to pass the time until i can get to these substances. Social, economic,and educational things are always last. i am still fucked up in the head but only cause i made it that way, the only thing is, is that now i have to find a way to undo it all.

i am really going for a change around. i am going to start running again and i am going to eat healthy, well not healthy but in a healthy way. and drugs are bad this is something i need to come to grips with but it is really hard they are everywhere. i gotta try and get sexy hahaha jk wow i am talking to myself but whatever yeah it is the time of a new era and i will change i will survive

i think i have clinical depression. you see i have health and we are going over mental disorders, and iit says that if you have clinical depression you never feel happy or nothing makes you happy(you have no zest for life). i think i have this you see if you asked me if anything makes me happy i would come up with a blank i cant think of one thing that makes me happy. and it sucks i dont feel the need to do anything and if anything happens i just shrug it off my shoulders. i really need to take care of this i dont like it. i dont think i am bipolar anymore because i dont go to the extremes on both sides i am just kind of in the middle or lower at all times and it really bugs me and it affects me alot i dont feel normal at all:(

i am pretty happy with life right now. i am getting my licence this thursday(yesss) that i am pretty exited about(especially since i am finnally getting the hang of my truck). No girls at the moment but i am okay with that(sort of). i really need a hobby but i can't do much cause i don't have a job, but that will change once i start driving. i kind of want to start boxing i think that would be a fun thing, or maybe i could just buy more equipment to work out with, or i could even start up a band again since i would have transportation. yeah life is alright i guess :)

yep so i am doing it the same i am surprised she actually didn't expect it.
i am pretty confident right now. although i need to straighten out my priorities.
school is the biggest but i still blow it off that is the biggest thing i need to work on . you see(once again i diagnose myself) i always look into the future and anticipate it too much i have trouble living in the here and now which i need to do because if i dont i will just be setting myself up for failure

we all have limited time to do unlimited things
our choices are wide and decisions are hard
and then we make it harder
it is true that we all have a place
but that place is so unknown
that when you finally get there
you will ask yourself
How the hell did this happen?
what did i do to get myself here?

i have broken the glass
my sand is pouring onto the floor
i have stopped time
only to have it fly by me
i want everything
but i want nothing
i want it handed to me
but i also want to earn it for myself
it is so hard
life is so hard
but life is what you make it(so i'm told)
questions
what if you cant control how you make things?
what if your mind does everything automatically?
is it really all that simple to make your life?
i think life is just lived
not made
we are made
then we live, die, cry, hurt, laugh, scream, and...........
nothing it just happens
you just happened
i just happen to be insignificant

i was right she doesnt care

death is such a tempting subject you see when we are alive life makes us feel like no one cares and how ohh soo sweet it would be to die a be alive just to feel what is is like to have someone actually show that they do care

well today was my birthday and valentines day i am 17 woo hoo. for my girlfriend i had this whole thing planned out and it got totally turned around. it was ok but i never seem to know what to do with her you know i just dont know how to have fun without money or feeling like i am an idiot

i dont know what to think i hope it was all good i didnt want it to stop but i think she has radar or something not good for me good for her mom not me i justhope itdoesnt change things because it tends to

new beginnings are hard earned. i am learning this now.peopletakelifeforgranted and it is just sickening.... but i am one of them in an odd sort of way. not the way everyone would expect(drugs,more drugs,manipulation, and alchhol)i do it a whole different way, and that is by not doing, just observing i may have realized this but it seems i cant change it. all i can do is put on a false mask and hide the truth of what i want to be because the truth is i want to be everyone else and by doing that i put on that mask. it is one big vicious circle that has me trapped because i act but i do not do

i have just come to the realization that all anyone in the entire world is immitation. we call it learning but every form of anything that we come in contact with we suck up like a sponge and i realize this in myself more than anything because i dont know how i can be original if i can pinpiont where all of my attributes come from from why i like to write or read or why i feel like a depressed little bitch

in a few days february 14(valentines day) i turn 17 i never thought it would come this quick but its been a long time coming. i kind of feel like i am not in control like i am an observer in someone elses body, then when i take control i dont know what to do, the controls are all in japanese(haha)and i cant read any language other that english. I really cant wait to get out of high school but i have alot to accomplish to do so i still need 1.5 math credits, andn i have one year to accomplish that and overall i have 12.00 credits and i need 26.00 to grduate along with two CURLES and a Senior Seminar Project. i have a year and a half to do all this then i can go to college for fire science and get my firfighter 2 and i can get a job either in clackamas or in portland at a fire station

everything is ok..... i guess i feel content but still insecure about how i am in everything i feel disgusting but then i feel good i feel like i could do better but then i feel that i am trying my best and it hurt neverknowing and caring then telling everyone that i do care just so i have to pretend

i am trying to understand everything i think that is what i do wrong because some things are not meant to be understood but i still puzzle myself and try to put the pieces together and always end up with a missing piece or just ask the wrong questions that make the puzzle just fall apart i know that i can change but i just dont understand what not being myself will accomplish